Squid Action

They were still rubbing their sprained ankles and brused heads for a while after the cart flipped over. The snowfall was getting thicker, gathering on the branches until they creaked under their own weight and made it impossible to see or hear John who was out looking for their horses….

Because my dad never taught me to tie a tie...

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:32:39 -0500

I’ve started wearing ties to work. Why? I used to be worried that I would be thought of as a total cock, or a hipster. I would normally register what tie type is popular and try to find some other style that isn’t the thing right now. But something in me snapped. I just decided that I’m going to be the ass that actually wears a tie to work. The totally plain, run-of-the-mill tie. No one else does. But I’m doing it, why? Because I’m practically 40. I stop playing by societies rules.

My dad started wearing some kind of fancy ‘cabbies hat’ or ‘golfers dandy top’ in the last few years. I thought it was weird because I never saw him wear anything on his head all throughout my childhood. So what made him snap and start putting the pancake on his nut? Because he’s almost 70. Shit’s over. He’s done worrying about you whores. He’s probably been eyeing one of those floppy bitches all his life, and he’s going to spend some serious money and live that life that now, after all this time, he realizes he should of been living long ago. I caught that. I see all these dicks walking around with their open collars but still wearing full suits with coats. When did that trend start? It smacks of a ’80s coke addict who just got out of a strip club. The tie should be around his forehead, but it isn’t. There’s no tie there. They’re wasting everyone’s time.

So I decided that instead of walking around in barely presentable kaki’s and some white-trash-sunday-sweater, I should get a tie on that shit. Clean up that neck a little. Tuck in a shirt for gods sake. And I have though I’m one of the few that does. That brings me back to dad. Though he’s my inspiration for this bad-ass sense of conformity, he never taught me how to tie a tie. I have looked online and tried to follow the instructions, but I always get it wrong. One guy at work actually told me it was cute how my tie is so high up on my chest when it’s supposed to reach down to your belt. I didn’t believe him, but there it was on the nets. There’s also subtle things like how you tie it. I basically managed to tie it into some type of knot, but there’s actually ways to do it. One more sophisticated than the other. Crap. So i’ve had to catch up with degrading pieces like this. I even once had the clerical woman walk up to me and say, “Oh no honey… no..” and actually untie it and re-tie it like she’s done a million mornings for her husband.

After that encounter I was in the bathroom trying to figure out how to tie it correctly. My manager walked in. “Hey tie-guy.” he said. ‘fuck you’ I thought, looking at his open collar. “I don’t know how to tie a tie. Don’t you judge me.” I said.

“I could help you if you want.” He offered. It was actually kind of nice. He’s normally such a hard-ass that this simple gesture was sweet.

“No.” I said, “That would be a little weird. But thanks.” I said, leaning in towards the mirror. He was at the stall peeing.

“Well yeah,” he said, “Because you’re not 14.”

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: You're A Businessman Day!

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 00:02:33 -0500

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: You're A Businessman Day!:

girlsareprettyforever:

“Sell,” you shout sometimes. “We need to get that to the mail room ASAP,” you also shout sometimes. “I don’t give a fuck about rain forests,” you’re shouting into the phone right now.

“But sir,” some nobody crybaby responds. “So many pelicans will die.”

“I like money and cheating on my wife with…

Photo

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 00:02:40 -0500

I’ve been missing mom lately. This video pretty much sums...

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 15:59:00 -0500

I’ve been missing mom lately. This video pretty much sums up how it feels not to have her around anymore.

On my way to the gym Margo and I saw a woman driving while walking her dog with her arm out the...

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 15:42:31 -0500

On my way to the gym Margo and I saw a woman driving while walking her dog with her arm out the window holding the leash.

fireland: C’mon Scott. Don’t stop believin’. (via Beelog)

Sun, 11 Mar 2012 03:00:10 -0500

fireland:

C’mon Scott. Don’t stop believin’.

(via Beelog)

Are we really related?

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 20:22:23 -0600

YEP!

Being Complimented by a 10 year old

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 02:15:00 -0600

I was bowling. Something I hadn’t done in a long time. Bowling for me is both boring and painful. I don’t take the time to understand how the scoring works. As far as I’m concerned I just keep throwing the ball at the things and then someone tells me it’s their turn. The only rule Im aware of is when I knock all the pins down on the first try and I don’t get a second chance. Which is stupid. If I’m playing so well that I knock all the pins down I should be able to keep going until I mess up. Like when a baseball team keeps hitting home runs. They just get to keep going until someone gets out. Sure it’s humiliating for the other team, but it’s not about the losers- it’s about letting the winners prance around and slap their prideful stomach’s.

Jon had asked if I wanted to go. We both have nothing to do at work, and when a contractor has nothing to do at work they just stay home. There was a time when I would of loved that. But now I just lay around, surf the web, eat all my kids string cheese and wonder if it’s worth sliding on my belly across the house to take a shower. Oddly, though I hate sitting around the house, I was hesitant to join him when he asked. I suppose there’s some kind of comfort in having absolute control of my day to waste. But I made myself shower and met him at Tuttles. Yeah that’s right. If we’re going to bowl it’s not going to be any of that high-falootin’ Pinstripes bullshit. I’m going to drink a watered down beer, eat a stale burger with processed cheese, and keep referring to Tuttles as the ‘Hopkins Bowl’ because that’s what it was called back in my day goddamnit. And we did. And when a 10 year old girl told me she liked my shirt it only added to the experience.

I bought a shirt that someone had made based off the main character from the show “Adventure Time”. It’s a funny show that I had written off for the longest time because I was going through some kind of depression when “The Marvlious Mis-Adventures of Flap Jack” was cancelled. My neice talked me down and convinced me to watch it. Then I made my kids watch it. And now when my youngest daughter tells me I need to shower she’ll remind me it’s because “We’re bro’s dad. And bro’s are real with each other. You stink. You need to shower.” The amazing thing about the shirt is that they took the main character and dressed him up as Link from “Legened of Zelda”. A connection between the two that I only knew on some subconsious level. I know, you don’t care about any of this. But I’m living like I’m unemployed, and I get wrapped up in things like this. Most people in my shoes would get emotionally worked up about who was kicked off of “The Voice”- I get that way about cartoons and videogames. Don’t you judge me.

Anyway, I’m almost 40. I can’t go walking around in clothes sporting cartoons on them, so when I put it on I threw a sweater over it. it was going to be my little secret. A secret I forgot all about when bowling had built up a sportsmen’s sweat and I took the sweater off. Since some schools are doing parent/teacher conferences, Tuttles (Hopkins Bowl) was crawling with parents showing their children the pagentry known as ten-pins. The family that was in the lane next to us went on a bathroom break leaving one girl there to watch Jon and I flail around like moron’s trying to get the thing to hit the stuff. The girl called over, “I like your shirt.” I looked down and realized that the secret was out. It felt weird. Wearing something openly that only a 10 year old would appreciate. “Oh, you’ve seen the show?” I asked, trying to act like I was busy fiddling with the bowling ball while Jon took his second turn.

“Yeah, I watch it all the time. What is he wearing?” She asked.

“He’s dressed like Link from Zelda.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a videogame- basically where Adventure time gets all it’s ideas from.”

“That’s cool.” She said. Jon walked over and I said, “You hear that? I’m cool.” I pulled the ball out of the loud holder thing. “Cool?” Jon said, “You realize he’s almost 40.”

“Cooler than you.” I said.

“He watches adventure time and plays videogames. He’s cool.” She said. Jon, oddly, was speechless in the face of such brutal honesty. Sure, everything she was saying was the exact opposite of what makes an old man admirable. But he couldn’t say that to her. He knew I was aware of it too. In a way, it was a vindication of my entire childhood- being interested in things that made me a loser. It was as if a fatter, older version of myself had traveled back in time to whisper in the ear of my younger self, “It’s going to be ok. They just don’t understand you yet. You’re goign to set the agenda for a whole generation.” It also made me reflect on where I am in life. I’m a fatter, older version of my younger self still doing the same things.

Photo

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 17:25:31 -0600

Photo

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 19:27:58 -0600

I am forced into going to Disney on ice tonight- and NO WHERE do they say how long it is. I bet...

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 17:25:54 -0600

I am forced into going to Disney on ice tonight- and NO WHERE do they say how long it is. I bet Disney will break my will after 4 and a half hours so I will spend tons on toys for my kids.

Adventure time as an 8bit video game. I wish it were real: http://ow.ly/1HBI3z

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 15:11:42 -0600

Adventure time as an 8bit video game. I wish it were real: http://ow.ly/1HBI3z

Off-Ramp documentary "Airborne: A Life in Radio with Orson Welles" for October 29, 2011 | 89.3 KPCC

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 13:39:15 -0600

Off-Ramp documentary "Airborne: A Life in Radio with Orson Welles" for October 29, 2011 | 89.3 KPCC:

jaybushman:

A must-listen for any Welles fan.

I listened to this. It was really interesting (If you like that sort of thing)

"“In the future, everyone will be editor of TechCrunch for 15 minutes” —- I have always..."

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:57:37 -0600

“

“In the future, everyone will be editor of TechCrunch for 15 minutes”

—- I have always wondered why I see so many “I’ve moved on” posts from employees there.

”

- Helpful Tips For Keeping Your Job As Editor Of TechCrunch « Uncrunched (via interestingsnippets)

No. TechCrunch get’s gobbled up by the Machines.

(via theresistance)