Neighbor kids

I used to get into long conversations with the neighbor kids about how to move their gigantic play structure into my yard. I don’t remember how the joke started but I think it was because I told them that they have the same Rainbow System play set that President Obama put in his yard. It’s true, I saw a photo. Neither Max or Rachel seemed to care very much, which is probably why Rachel offered for me to have it if I could move it over the fence. She didn’t believe it was possible until I told her about the science of hydro-plaining and how, by the simple application of a large slip-n-slide and a hose, I could push the thing across the yard with one finger. She said I should get a large crane, but I said it was too expensive. Audrey said I should use rockets, which inspired max to go into long detail on how we could launch the whole thing into space, then use a lazer to burn my house down. I told him he was losing focus, and asked why we weren’t talking about apes, or how ant poop is the best substance to create a frictionless surface to glide the thing into my yard.

Those were the good old days, back when Audrey would allow me to hang out with them while they jumped on the trampoline or swung on the ‘twizzler’ (a rope with handles that hangs from a tree branch). They used to find me charming and ‘fun’ until I spent a few weeks trying to break the habit of being a helicopter parent. Henning, the neighbor kids father, assured me that my girls could play in his yard on their own since he keeps an eye on them from his living room window. It was great at first, I would sit in my porch and watch television shows that normally had to wait until after eight when the kids were asleep. But I noticed that Audrey was turning into more of a dick. It started by her not telling me what she did over there, then blatently telling me that she had secrets with Rachel that she wasn’t going to share. Soon came the snotty responses and a lot of eye rolling. I brought Brian, my brother in law- who Audrey adores, over to the trampoline to say hi when he stopped over one afternoon. He held his arms out for a hug and she pretended like he wasn’t there, something she had been doing to me for weeks. Something in me snapped, I wanted my kids back damnit. I wanted my snuggly, baby-talking-even-though-we-keep-telling-them-to-stop-talking-like-that-because-you’re-big-girls-now kids back. Margo usually gets the snub from the other kids since she’s so young, but even she started copying Audrey by saying “no daaad, I don’t want ketchup… God.”

That started the campaign to be cool again. First I strategically invited the neighbors in our house on a day when it was raining. Audrey had thrown a fit when I told her it was too wet out to play, so when the neighbors came over to ask if they would come play I decided to use the opportunity. I’m like that, I can work under any situation. I sat them down on the couch with my kids and fed them all snacks and let them watch as much Spongebob and Penguins of Madagascar as they wanted. Audrey loved it because she could show them her toys, and got embarrassed when Rachel said how cool her house was- don’t get me wrong, Audrey still treated me like a whore but it was fine, I knew my plan was going to have to spread out over a few months.

A couple rainy days later Max and Rachel would ask if they could watch TV at our house all on her own. I let them hang out in ‘the clubhouse’ which is what I’ve been calling my basement lately since the kids can jump on the couches and leave as many crumbs as they want. Audrey brought some toys down and I let them watch “The Marvelous Mis-Adventures of Flap-Jack”, a show so confusing they can’t help but want to watch more. A few more juice box injections and the offer to have them sleep over on our porch and I wasn’t getting the kinds of intense eye-rolling I had before. It all culminated to a moment when I went outside to check on Margo who was crying in the trampoline while the other kids jumped around. She was scared of all the movement and said she didn’t want to get hurt. I told her that “the trampoline is the safest place on earth.” The other kids loved that, and kept offering scenarios where a man’s life would be threatened. Rachel asked about tornados, Audrey offered the terrors of fire or hail, Margo asked about spilling a drink- making it too slippery, and Max told me about how he was going to blow up my house. To each I assured them that it was literally impossible to get hurt in a trampoline. and if I built a trampoline around my house, there was nothing Max could do to destroy it. Audrey was laughing and at one point she turned to Rachel and said, “My dad’s so funny.” I did it.

A few weeks later I brought the kids outside and Rachel asked me if the trampoline was still the safest place on earth. I asked if anyone had died in it recently, she said no, so I declared that it still was the safest place. Max said that someone had died in it recently, his name was Evers. I asked how it happened and he told me it was when Evers brought an excercise ball into the trampoline with him and he bounced on it and flew so high he hit the tree above. Then he fell and broke his neck on the play structure. “So he didn’t actually die IN the trampoline?” I asked. He said no. “Well then. I think you answered your own question.” The girls laughed, which sent Max into a flurry of threats about what he was going to do to my house. I don’t get him.